A few weeks ago I made the decision to go ahead and giving women a dating chance.
As of right now I still identify as straight. I can only recall three actual female crushes throughout my life; meanwhile, the men I have had crushes on are innumerable. Impossible to count.
I decided to give Tinder another try because I got tired of being single. It is nice to be single, but I have been single nearly all my life. I have plenty of experiences with men, but it rarely goes well between me and them. Do not get me wrong- I love men. Just that the older I get, their games exhaust me. I dislike playing games with people, and it seems as if it’s what they prefer. Not all men I have had dated are terrible though. Some are incredibly sweet and kind, but it didn’t work out between us. Some are just abhorrent. I went on four dates with a wonderful, sweet guy last year, and he ghosted on me primarily because he struggles with depression. I felt as if I was doing all the work in the end, and I told him to text me if he wants to do something. He said he would, but he didn’t.
I always attract guys already in relationships with the others. I don’t know why. I don’t even want to date them, but they are often on me like a flea on a dog. A friend attempted to cheat on his girlfriend, also my friend, with me last summer. He is not the first guy, and he will probably not be the last guy. The odd thing is that I don’t attract single guys. Why do I often attract guys already taken? It will probably always be a mystery.
Speaking of women, the first time I had a crush on a woman was at Gallaudet. It was intense and indeed a confusing time for me. I told a friend about that, and she was like, “Oh, every body has a crush on her. You are not the only one.” Ouch. I was morbidly obese and socially awkward, and she was popular. She is somebody one would consider Elite Deaf at Gallaudet. Deaf family, Deaf school, and in a top-dog Deaf sorority. I didn’t act on my attraction because I knew I was a loser. I didn’t even want myself back then. Why would anybody have wanted me if I didn’t find myself attractive? My personality was not endearing either. I guess I either had a crush on her or I wanted to be like her. I still can’t tell.
My life changed after the stint in Romania. I lost nearly 100 lbs. I focused on my inner demons. My social skills improved. I was able to maintain healthy friendships. I learned how to recognize toxicity within myself and the others. From there, I developed confidence and was actually in a 6-months relationship. That relationship was abusive. I settled down for him because I was determined to prove myself that I can make a dating relationship work. I assumed I was commitment phobic, but nope, I was not. I am just wary of people. My ex destroyed me in many ways that I cannot verbally describe. Why do guys with dangerous issues always go for me? Am I meant to be abused all my life just like my mother repeatedly told me when I was a child?
One of my biggest struggles with the Deaf community for many years is that even though they are diverse, they seek to be homogenous. They target and attack people different from them. Peer pressure is what many of them thrive on. For some unknown reason, many people in the Deaf LGBT community had a tendency to target me by bullying me into coming out even when I was still figuring out my relationships with men, not women. Those LGBT bullies are a major factor in why I had never explored my relations with women. I focused on my inner demons, which had nothing to do with sexuality. I wanted to alleviate my depression and PTSD. I didn’t have time to look at women.
When I moved to New Mexico, I developed strong feelings for my male roommate who didn’t reciprocate. He was enamored with one woman already in a relationship with another woman. He even mentioned one time that he prefers blondes. I am certainly not a blonde, and if I dye my hair, I will look like a disaster. I don’t want to change my hair color for somebody. He moved to Colorado, and I heard that he is dating his current roommate, a blonde. I will probably always view him as a trustworthy friend, but I know I am not his type. Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship ever at all.
I developed a crush on a female friend the summer after my male roommate moved out. I was a bit confused because I had never developed a crush on a FEMALE friend. I stalked her Facebook just like I will do with the guys I like. She was already in a committed relationship. Not only that, a friend casually mentioned to me that many people regardless of their genders and sexuality have a tendency to be attracted to her. Ok, all right. Maybe it doesn’t mean any thing about my sexuality.
The only female celebrity crush I ever had was Ruby Rose from the Orange is the New Black TV show. Once again many straight women had an infatuation with her. Ok, I guess I am one of those straight women who will go for her.
My crush on that female friend ended shortly afterwards. I don’t believe in maintaining feelings for people already taken. It is not my style.
A year passed with several men in between. Last August, I met a new female co-worker. I was instantly attracted to her. In a way, my crush on her was overwhelming. I was utterly confused! To add to the circumstances, her partner looks like me. It was creepy. I found myself stuttering. I said a lot of stuff that made me cringe afterward. Like why? Why did I have that need to show off? I immediately stayed away from her. I guess she made me realize that I am attracted to women in a way. The weird thing that I am less attracted to her now because she has nasty body odor.
On Tinder I decided to give both genders a try. I didn’t mind finding new friends regardless of their genders. Well, one woman and I are hitting it off, and it feels natural. I am a bit nervous because I don’t know how to navigate this. I don’t want to hurt anybody, including myself.
Maybe she is interested into me as a friend and vice versa. I don’t really know. I might meet up with her this weekend for the first time and see how it goes.
Life is short. Why not give it a chance and see how it goes? I will learn something about myself by then.