Morally Exhausted

Is there a word that describes being in a state of moral exhaustion?

If so, I haven’t found it. Please let me know if you do.

A month ago, I decided to deactivate my Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter accounts. I also left a group consisting of thirty people on Google Hangout. In hindsight, life was overwhelming me. I bit off more than what I thought I can handle this spring. I am the director for the spring play, An Evening With Edgar Allan Poe. I have a 35+ pages dossier to complete before receiving my teaching certification. I recently got accepted to graduate school, so I am expected to complete the paperwork soon. On top of everything I just mentioned, I am a teacher, which comes with its set of duties.

I made a decision for a plethora of reasons that inevitably led me to hurt a friend I dearly care. I know my reasons for doing what I did. I understand her anger and possibly resentment toward me. I am not her, and she is not me. She doesn’t know what I go through and vice versa. So far what I see, we are still friends. I am transparent with her as much as I can. It does feel as if I am racing to the execution row though.

“You are smart. Smarter than me sometimes. Why will you do that?” She asked me.

After leaving the restaurant, I thought to myself, “Why can’t I make mistakes? I made only one horrible mistake in the last five years.”  I came to the conclusion that I am morally exhausted. I am tired of being held to the highest standards all the time. I have to carefully tread a thousand of lines every day, and not slipping up in a long time is a feat.

When I got home, I googled, “Morally exhausted.” Instead, I found, “morally bankrupt.” Several sources define it as a lack of morals and sets that individuals practice at the expense of the others. It doesn’t fit me. I care about others. It is just that sometimes I feel I am not living life to the fullest extent by tucking myself in a narrow box knowing that it’s better not to rock the boat.

Where are my life lessons though? When can I make mistakes and learn from them without hurting others? What kind of errors can I make that allow me to emotionally grow?

I have morals. I am just exhausted. I am morally exhausted.

Treading on the Road Less Taken.

A few weeks ago I made the decision to go ahead and giving women a dating chance.

As of right now I still identify as straight. I can only recall three actual female crushes throughout my life; meanwhile, the men I have had crushes on are innumerable. Impossible to count.

I decided to give Tinder another try because I got tired of being single. It is nice to be single, but I have been single nearly all my life. I have plenty of experiences with men, but it rarely goes well between me and them.  Do not get me wrong- I love men. Just that the older I get, their games exhaust me. I dislike playing games with people, and it seems as if it’s what they prefer. Not all men I have had dated are terrible though. Some are incredibly sweet and kind, but it didn’t work out between us. Some are just abhorrent. I went on four dates with a wonderful, sweet guy last year, and he ghosted on me primarily because he struggles with depression. I felt as if I was doing all the work in the end, and I told him to text me if he wants to do something. He said he would, but he didn’t.

I always attract guys already in relationships with the others. I don’t know why. I don’t even want to date them, but they are often on me like a flea on a dog. A friend attempted to cheat on his girlfriend, also my friend, with me last summer. He is not the first guy, and he will probably not be the last guy. The odd thing is that I don’t attract single guys. Why do I often attract guys already taken? It will probably always be a mystery. 

Speaking of women, the first time I had a crush on a woman was at Gallaudet. It was intense and indeed a confusing time for me. I told a friend about that, and she was like, “Oh, every body has a crush on her. You are not the only one.” Ouch. I was morbidly obese and socially awkward, and she was popular. She is somebody one would consider Elite Deaf at Gallaudet. Deaf family, Deaf school, and in a top-dog Deaf sorority. I didn’t act on my attraction because I knew I was a loser. I didn’t even want myself back then. Why would anybody have wanted me if I didn’t find myself attractive? My personality was not endearing either. I guess I either had a crush on her or I wanted to be like her. I still can’t tell. 

My life changed after the stint in Romania. I lost nearly 100 lbs. I focused on my inner demons. My social skills improved. I was able to maintain healthy friendships. I learned how to recognize toxicity within myself and the others. From there, I developed confidence and was actually in a 6-months relationship. That relationship was abusive. I settled down for him because I was determined to prove myself that I can make a dating relationship work. I assumed I was commitment phobic, but nope, I was not. I am just wary of people. My ex destroyed me in many ways that I cannot verbally describe. Why do guys with dangerous issues always go for me? Am I meant to be abused all my life just like my mother repeatedly told me when I was a child? 

One of my biggest struggles with the Deaf community for many years is that even though they are diverse, they seek to be homogenous. They target and attack people different from them. Peer pressure is what many of them thrive on. For some unknown reason, many people in the Deaf LGBT community had a tendency to target me by bullying me into coming out even when I was still figuring out my relationships with men, not women. Those LGBT bullies are a major factor in why I had never explored my relations with women. I focused on my inner demons, which had nothing to do with sexuality. I wanted to alleviate my depression and PTSD. I didn’t have time to look at women. 

When I moved to New Mexico, I developed strong feelings for my male roommate who didn’t reciprocate. He was enamored with one woman already in a relationship with another woman. He even mentioned one time that he prefers blondes. I am certainly not a blonde, and if I dye my hair, I will look like a disaster. I don’t want to change my hair color for somebody. He moved to Colorado, and I heard that he is dating his current roommate, a blonde. I will probably always view him as a trustworthy friend, but I know I am not his type. Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship ever at all. 

I developed a crush on a female friend the summer after my male roommate moved out. I was a bit confused because I had never developed a crush on a FEMALE friend. I stalked her Facebook just like I will do with the guys I like. She was already in a committed relationship. Not only that, a friend casually mentioned to me that many people regardless of their genders and sexuality have a tendency to be attracted to her. Ok, all right. Maybe it doesn’t mean any thing about my sexuality. 

The only female celebrity crush I ever had was Ruby Rose from the Orange is the New Black TV show. Once again many straight women had an infatuation with her. Ok, I guess I am one of those straight women who will go for her. 

My crush on that female friend ended shortly afterwards. I don’t believe in maintaining feelings for people already taken. It is not my style.

A year passed with several men in between. Last August, I met a new female co-worker. I was instantly attracted to her. In a way, my crush on her was overwhelming. I was utterly confused! To add to the circumstances, her partner looks like me. It was creepy. I found myself stuttering. I said a lot of stuff that made me cringe afterward. Like why? Why did I have that need to show off? I immediately stayed away from her. I guess she made me realize that I am attracted to women in a way. The weird thing that I am less attracted to her now because she has nasty body odor.

On Tinder I decided to give both genders a try. I didn’t mind finding new friends regardless of their genders. Well, one woman and I are hitting it off, and it feels natural. I am a bit nervous because I don’t know how to navigate this. I don’t want to hurt anybody, including myself.

Maybe she is interested into me as a friend and vice versa. I don’t really know. I might meet up with her this weekend for the first time and see how it goes.

Life is short. Why not give it a chance and see how it goes? I will learn something about myself by then.

 

An Intriguing Day

This morning I woke up to the news of a family friend’s passing away. He had hernia surgery last month, and when he was supposed to rest, he got too restless and mowed the lawn. Meanwhile, his lungs blew out, and he slipped into a three-week coma. He supposedly woke up and passed away shortly after.

He was one of the familiar faces in the deaf community I grew up. He always said hello to me. I suppose it never occurred to me that he will pass away one day. I did have thoughts that his health will decline due to his weight. My biological mother will have hernia surgery in September, and she is in tears over it. In the last month, she received news of possibly having cancer before finding out about her bladder infection and the hernia. She didn’t react well. Ever since she found out about her poor health,  she had been sending me “I love you” messages on a weekly basis. It took her nearly 30 years to finally realize that she is not immortal, and now she finally told me that many times in a relatively short period?

An hour before noon I joked to my roommates that we should go as the Sanderson Sisters for the Halloween party.

At noon my roommates and I agreed to have the first official roommate meeting at 3 PM to settle the ground rules around the house. A roommate and I discussed Labor Day weekend plans, which may involve the chances of camping. I somehow piped up about a neat hotel in Taos, New Mexico.

This particular hotel consists of vintage trailers and is near a brewery that serves local beer of high quality.  I mentioned that it would be nice to have a roommate getaway. The other roommate suggested that she will like us to go there for her birthday celebration. The next thing I knew is that we decided to agree on staying there for two nights in November. I have had been wanting to stay a night there for months after developing a slight obsession when I found out. We reserved a trailer soon after. Some other friends seem to be interested in joining us. I am thrilled!

We decorated the living room and foyer with Halloween decorations afterward.

A few hours later, we went to the Teahouse, a favorite local restaurant worthy of the title.

We agreed on the ground rules. We discussed a bit about the Halloween party and decided that we will go as the Sanderson Sisters. One roommate mentioned that she wouldn’t mind watching Hocus Pocus tonight. The plans of drinking wine while watching the movie brewed right there.

We stopped by a local burger place to grab shakes and food. I got shoestring fries with jalapenos and a ginger lemonade that doesn’t taste gingery at all. A roommate got a cheeseburger, shoestring fries, and a salted caramel shake.

After that, we went home. I read a book; meanwhile, the other roommates chilled and did what they need to do. A close friend messaged me informing me that she just got engaged today. We talked about the proposal a bit.

Lastly, I went downstairs to watch the Hocus Pocus movie while drinking wine, and clearly, I got buzzed. Let me tell you– the film is perfect. The writers who conjured up the plot were geniuses. My roommates and I sang the “I Put a Spell on You” song.

Near the end of the movie, my sister texted me. I didn’t even know she texted me when I randomly checked my phone only to discover that her text came a minute ago. She informed me that her sister-in-law and her family along with my aunt and her daughters, coincidentally not related to each other, were at War Memorial when a panic broke out. My high school and their rival team played there, and a man shouted that he has a gun. People freaked out, kids were lost, cell phones were not working, and trampling occurred. They thought the sounds of people banging on the doors to get out of the stadium were actual gunshots. My family was OK.

The movie finished. I told my roommates what happened. We had a brief discussion about how violence is integrated into the society. Then somehow we decided to talk about the Hocus Pocus movie and discussing the Halloween party. We decided that we will practice on the weekends to give a short performance of the “I Put a Spell On You” song to our visitors before announcing the winner who wins the Best Halloween Costume contest.

I don’t know how to describe my day.

Oh, by the way, I will be Winifred. 🙂

Significant Life Changes

Today has been rather intriguing. I received news from three people regarding significant changes in their lives. One’s health has been steadily declining to the point where he may lose his eye in 48 hours if not properly taken care of. The second one immediately became blind overnight and moved to a nursing home. The third person just decided to divorce his husband and could be possibly getting a new job in another state.

This August will mark the beginning of my fourth year in New Mexico. I have three classes and two state exams left to complete by May 2019, and if I don’t receive credentials meanwhile; I will lose my job and may have to pick up my life and move again. To be honest with you, it is not something I want to do. I deeply love New Mexico.

However, life may change. I will have to make my decisions from there.

I am still single. In general, dating is very frustrating. I don’t think I have yet to understand how it works. For instance, one cute guy kept liking my Instagram posts that solely consists of selfies. I clicked like on his IG. He immediately did so. I did it once again. He did it again. Then I did it. From there, he stopped liking my posts. I could have sent him a message, but uh, I am baffled. I showed that I am interested, and he suddenly ghosted. I went on several promising dates with a wonderful guy last fall, and he ghosted on me

A tiny voice inside me asks, “Is something wrong with me?” People in relationships for many years say that it’s not awful to be single. It is not awful to be single; however, if it is not, then why are they in relationships? I want to share my life with somebody.

I don’t want to move to another deaf community for the sake of finding somebody, but again, where I live is not a hot commodity among deaf people. I can date hearing people, but it is too much work, really. I don’t use my voice to communicate with people. Hell, nearly nobody understands me whenever I attempt to use my voice. I rely upon and absolutely thrive in signed environments.

Lately, I have been positive about finding somebody, but today is one of those days I am just unsure about relationships. Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship. Maybe I have to accept that I will be alone until I die, just like my father. It’s unfortunate because I work hard at being a decent human. I work hard at being my best, which is good, but at the same time, it seems detrimental. Guys complain that I am too intelligent. They complain that I speak up. They complain that I don’t look a specific way they prefer me to be. I am never good enough, I guess? Even though I am successful in life, and I try my best to be moral, but apparently, it’s too much or not enough for any guy I like.

 

 

Typical Capitalist Problems

I am going to be brutally honest with myself and my readers. In the last 3 years of, I have had racked up a large amount of debt. I don’t know how to save money. I really don’t. When I moved to New Mexico, I nearly had nothing; I got a credit card and used it for food and furniture. Then I got another credit card for traveling in Tokyo, which I promised myself that I will pay off, which I obviously didn’t. The debts increased; thus, my monthly bill payments followed. Last December I realized that if I don’t alleviate some of my debts by time I start paying off student loans a year later, I will be in deep trouble. Deep trouble, indeed. 

In a way, I am fortunate that I am not as bad as some people. A friend has 150K in student loans and she decided to enroll in a PhD program. She also had 20K in credit card debts, which she used the refunds from her student loans toward to pay them off. Having done research in the last few months, I’ve discovered that many Americans are just like my friend– continuing to pile up great amounts of debts. In other words, they are digging their own graves.

Using my friend as an example, she has family support. If she somehow loses her home and job, her family will take her in without hesitation. Now, as for my family, they will not hesitate to take me in; however, they will have specific conditions that I must adhere. Here is an example of the conditions I would have to adhere.

  1. You cannot go out on dates with men nor talk to them. 
  2. You have to eat like us, which means that your diet will consist of fast food on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter if we have diabetes and other health conditions, we will still eat unhealthy, and you must participate. 
  3. You must talk about God and the Bible all the time; however, your knowledge of the Bible cannot go beyond what we know, which are the basics. 
  4. You cannot show people of color respect. They mean nothing. 

So, in other words– if I screw up financially, I will have to go back to my family. Then I will have to live in the same hostile environment I had continually suffered for decades. Decades. My friends don’t have similar concerns- they know that if misfortunes strike them, they have a safety net. I don’t.

This year provides a perfect opportunity for me to clean up my debts before the student loan sharks go after me. I am very close to paying off one credit card. Hopefully, my medical debts will be paid off by time the sharks get a whiff of my blood.

I am going to pay off my debts in two years from now.

 

Being a Teacher

1st year: “Oh my god, what am I doing? Every other teacher is definitely superior to me. Am I destroying a generation?!”

2nd year: “Ok, I am not so bad. My gosh, I have learned so much what teachers should do and not do.”

3rd year: will it happen?

Hawthorne the Succulent

Today is, indeed, a special day for me! I have a secret that borderlines on obsession; for the last few years, I’ve been stalking online succulent communities even though I didn’t have any succulent to care for. I lived vicariously through them while learning about types of succulents (and other plant species) and how to care for them.

A year ago I purchased a Rose of Jericho, my first plant because it is known as the resurrection plant; therefore, it will come back to life if I somehow don’t pay sufficient attention and forgot to water it for years. I named it Astrid. I like naming plants and animals. Naming them gives me a sense of bonding with them.

Yesterday I watered Astrid after few months of neglecting it, and she was perfectly fine.

After watering Astrid, something clicked inside me. I want to get a succulent. Now.  I told myself that it is better if I don’t get a succulent because I’d torture myself if it dies. I want to get a succulent now. Ok, ok, maybe this summer.

Today came, and I got Hawthorne aka “Thor” the succulent. I was truly tempted to buy some of the other succulents and had to order myself to buy only Thor and walked out of the nursery. I came across a Donkey’s Tail for sale! It is one of my dream succulents, but nonetheless, I have to figure out where to get a cheap hanger, find a place for it in my house before buying one.

Say hello to Hawthorne! cY7iT3nkwIjAY53AQwkVDgsBXR4H8A1CY9dPInJ_9jI.jpg

Gotta shake that piggy bank for $$$

Somehow I got serious about my future this week. I managed to dwindle one of my credit cards, and if I meet my goals, I will be able to pay it off by mid-May. Taking my financial debts into consideration, I had been led to a decision: I am not going to graduate school for another five-ten years. I want to pay off my credit cards and car loan prior to going to graduate school. I also want to start hammering away at my student loans. I just didn’t feel it right to go to graduate school knowing that I will sink further into debt if I don’t get some of my debts paid off first. Comparing to the others, my debts are not that terrible; however, as a single person approaching her 30s, I want to build a secure future. I want to lessen my financial stresses in the long run.

Speaking of lessening my financial stresses, I am contemplating about squirreling away money for a house. Not only that, I want to build a cob house. Building a cob house is relatively cheap in comparison to buying a house. Living in a cob house won’t kill my bank account, and hey, I will be able to begin my retirement savings! Additionally, I may be able to pay off my student loans before I become 45 years old!

Colorado

I am experiencing a major dilemma! I was supposed to go to Colorado on Feb 8-11th, but some of my friends are out of town, and the person I am supposed to stay with told me that, according to his new roommates’ agreement, I have to pay $10 per night. Which I personally find absurd. $30 for three nights just to crash at a friend’s place? FYI, that was not my friend’s decision. He found a new place and will be moving a week prior to my visitation. Now, if I visit him the first few days of Feb, I can stop by and see my friends in Denver; however, it may mean that I will have to drop the pet-sitting gigs, which provides me extra money for the trip to Colorado. I may have to drop snowboarding if I want to afford the trip to Colorado.

Argh. Decisions, decisions, decisions. If I visit him the first week of April, I will definitely miss out on snowboarding; meanwhile, I still get to visit Colorado…….. And I have never really explored the outdoors there either.

My friend was like, “So, you don’t have a goal in Colorado?”

I do have goals, but I am flexible. When it comes to traveling, I simply enjoy traveling. Little frivolous places could be as exciting as hot tourist spots.

I suppose my goals for Colorado consist of having fun, hanging out with friends, and checking out ghost towns.

A Day in the Life of a Rookie Teacher

This morning I reminisced the days of Livejournal; one particular community was my favorite. It was called A Day in the Life, and I was hooked to that community for years. Thanks to Russians, the golden days of using Livejournal have disappeared. It is now full of illogical java bits and ads. I wondered to myself, “Why don’t I do it today?”

IMG_3133

Back story: I took my cat Yuri (the one with white hair) to the vet and discovered that he may have a severe UTI. 😦 I was worried about him all the day yesterday. He received a shot of antibiotics that should last up to ten days. I had to head off to work to do some lesson planning in advance.

However, before going to work, I went to the veterinary and turned in my cat’s urine sample. Yes, I patiently waited for him to use the litter box for 20 hours before he finally did his business.

IMG_3135.JPG

I greatly appreciate my vet because there are actually two separate areas within the building: one for dogs and one for cats. I love dogs, but I noticed that my cats usually become stressed out whenever canine strangers approach them especially at the vet’s office. I have had stumbled upon several dogs who freak out over the presence of cats, so I worry for my cats’ safety. After turning in the urine sample, I went to Trader Joe’s to grab a quick lunch.

IMG_3136.JPG

Ta-da!

IMG_3138.JPG

This is a major life-saver, I tell you. A warehouse near my workplace provides freebies for educational purposes, so teachers love raiding there. This book is one of the precious resources I’d gathered from the warehouse.

IMG_3140.JPG

I worked on my art project for a while.

IMG_3143.JPG

Very surreal.

IMG_3144.JPG

After laboring in my classroom for few hours, I was rather eager to drink coffee while snacking on mocha Oreos. Heeeeeyyy. I deserved a special treat!

IMG_3149.JPG

The best part of my day was finding Yuri on my bed. The Disney blanket is my deceased grandmother’s btw. I’m glad to see that the shot of antibiotics did him good.

IMG_3150.JPG

Completed and turned in my homework.

IMG_3151.JPG

IMG_3153.JPG

IMG_3161.JPG

IMG_3162.JPG

I went out for an one-hour hike afterwards. Being a teacher, I have to be conscious of my weight all the time. It is rather easy to rely on convenient foods while packing on pounds. I also love hiking because it helps me relax.

IMG_3163.JPG

It was getting dark when I arrived home. That’s why I love hiking at twilight. The scenery is always amazing. New Mexico is, indeed, the land of enchantment.

IMG_3164.JPG

After arriving home, I took a shower and completed some of the lesson plans.

IMG_3165.JPG

I read the first 20 pages for my high school literature class. My students will begin reading the book this week. I am so excited!

Enjoy!

-Lisa